“All My Life I Thought there was Something Wrong with Me”
I had the great privilege of working as a hospice chaplain right out of seminary.
This was something of a crash course in ministry as there’s nothing quite like death to frame the truth of life. So often at the end of someone’s life that very truth would come out in powerful ways. I used to tell families I was working with that when someone is dying the stakes are both incredibly high and incredibly low.
Yes, someone is about to pass into the mystery beyond which we can only guess what happens. But, all bets are off and the time at the end of someone’s life was often filled with miracles, beauty, redemption, and profound forgiveness as people realized they were about to lose everything and all that mattered was the truth.
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of deaths I’ve witnessed where people die as they lived; stubborn, withdrawn, content as they are, angry, or simply happy with no need for a big reconciliation.
But every so often there would be a family who healed the pain of years in the last few days of life.
Often folks waited to die through sheer willpower alone until a favorite niece arrived. Or sometimes they waited until the midnight watch person on a 24-hour vigil left the room for a moment, prefering to die alone and waiting for that chance.
But there’s a story that really sticks with me, one from a hospice nurse who’d been in the field for years. A family member of a patient told her that when the patient was dying she said “All my life, I thought there was something wrong with me.” She was just realizing there at the end how untrue this really was.
I learned so much about myself working hospice. Sitting with hundreds of patients as they died in various ways of various diseases I realized how much I love being surrounded by green things, how important relationships are, and how unimportant almost everything else is.
Ready for some healing and clarity BEFORE you get to the deathbed? Let’s get you ready in a Clairvoyant Counseling session.
But that one story illuminated so much for me.
In an instant I realized that I think the same about myself and how so much of my life had been trying to correct my very being from being ‘wrong’ somehow.
Since that time I’ve prioritized the one thing my teachers say truly heals: self-enjoyment. I try to not only accept myself how I am (a crucial step) but then to enjoy myself as well, even/especially when I’m not at my best.
I love doing this work with my clients too. So many people come to me hoping to fix something about themselves. They want to fix a feeling, or a relationship, or their procrastination, or the food they eat, or what they love and hate, or even just a sense that there is something to fix but they don’t quite know what.
The truth is, I enjoy the sh*t outta every one of my clients and all of their ‘problems'.
To me, every session I do and everything in it is just another chance for me to learn how wildly creative, dynamic, and expressive human beings can be. More often than not, the only problem is one of perspective and missing the beauty for the trees.
If you can’t tell, I really really love my job and this is a big reason why. Because you all are so truly beautiful. Because each one of you endlessly inspires me to get even more creative with my own life. Because every person I work with including you, yes you, looks so colorful and vast and expansive from my perspective and I’m so humbled by ever single person who books with me.
I ask God before every session to help me see you with the eyes of Spirit, and friends, it’s extraordinary.
I could gush about you for a long time, trust me.
But suffice it to say, there’s nothing wrong with you and there is so much that’s right and delightful in the sight of God and me alike.
And if you are feeling like there’s something wrong with you, let’s take a look at that heart chakra. That’s usually where this stuff sits and *hint hint* it’s usually not even your own belief. So often those messages are dropped in there by parents, society, exes, you name it. But that doesn’t mean they’re true.
You know what to do from here; book a session and let’s clear out any and all programming and beliefs that would have you thinking you’re anything less than delightful, loveable, and free.
With so much admiration for you,
Cindy
Need a little touch up in the old self-worth-machine ()? There’s nothing like a Clairvoyant Counseling session for just that kind of thing.
Enjoyed the blog? Please take 5 seconds to forward it to someone who would benefit. I put hours into each one and my favorite folks come via word of mouth. It’s the easiest way to support my work!
New Here? You can find lots more on my Instagram, all past newsletters on my Blog, and lots of services on my website included Clairvoyant Counseling, Courses, and Teachings.
Artwork? Top image is Keep Out by Ukranian artist Borys Fiodorowicz. Second images is by the French illustrator Moebius. Third image is me.
