The Dirt of Exhaustion, The Soil of Life
Still from “Callisto, la petite nymphe de Diane”, film by Edouard Marty, 1943
My husband and I like to call our property “The Farm.”
It sure used to be a farm, and a big one at that. The land has been sold off over the years and most of it is now occupied by eight Habitat for Humanity houses for young families. To the west and north the land has gone to two different churches, an irony not lost on me.
We have an old barn that’s more of a structural death trap and rat poop biohazard than it is a storage building. Plus a few sheds and a wasp-filled chicken coop. There are also (shockingly for Colorado) not one but two wells on the property.
One well was hidden under a floor panel in our pantry, the other inside the ruins of an old woodshop structure that had half fallen down sometime in the 60s.
But what was once a working farm came to us as a badly neglected property.
Not much grows in it other than hard-to-kill grasses and robust weeds. We have big plans to get some fruit trees, veggies, maybe chickens, and in our wildest dreams, a mini donkey. The beehives are already under one apple tree so at least that’s a start. But most of the restored farm is a loooooooong way off.
What really struck me about this property is the ground itself. I was digging a hole behind the house and it was not only dry but totally devoid of organic material. Listen, I’m no farmer but it just seemed like there were no nutrients left in the ground. Like, at all.
It reminded me of something I heard about mantras from Hanna Williams.
She was teaching about the difference between a new and/or personal affirmation and an ancient mantra that’s been worked with by generations through the centuries.
An affirmation that I make up myself - “Today I honor my body by walking along the creek” - is like dirt. It’s a good enough substrate to start growing a practice. But an ancient mantra is like soil; rich, full of organic material, dark with nutrients, and ready to grow almost anything.
Our farm currently has dirt; probably a result of a century of depleting the ground without putting anything back. We’re working on the soil but it may be a while.
Why am I talking about soil and dirt so much?
Because friends, I feel like dirt this morning. I am exhausted.
And it feels like unearned exhaustion because my only real responsibility is to feed my cat and pay the sewer bill once a month. I don’t even water our dirt patch; Jimi does that as he tries to transform it from dirt to soil with mountains of mulch and hardy wild flowers.
But I don’t have children, I work from home, my jobs are extremely flexible, my fridge is full, I live by a gorgeous creek, I’m following my dreams and I still can’t get enough rest to feel like a normal human.
I’m beginning to suspect that my exhaustion has less to do with personal commitments and more to do with the American culture of productivity at all costs that even get’s into my dreams.
So you know me, I did what I always do and looked up the history of the word ‘exhaustion.’
Are you ready?
It means, to drain completely or to draw out until nothing remains. It was first used in the 1530s to describe emptying wells or farming land until there was no water or nutrients left.
Here’s another thing I discovered. For modern wells (such as myself, metaphorically) you can’t let the well go completely dry or the pump burns out and won’t pump water even if the well fills back up.
I’m tempted to make a list of things I’m going to do to keep my well filled.
I want to make lots of plans, and promises to myself, and commitments I’m somehow going to find time to keep. But I realize I mostly want to do that to prove something to you, readers. I want to be like, “I’m exhausted but hey I’m actually ok and I’m going to keep being productive!”
The truth is I don’t know what the future will bring, immediate or distant or where this perennial exhaustion is leading. I do know that - just as I tell all my clients - I need to focus on at least two things. The first is to just let myself be in this exhausted state. Let myself ‘have’ it fully as it is now so I can fully have whatever it will be when water fills the well again.
The second thing is to get really clear with myself about what actually gives me life, not what the world says gives me health and vitality.
I have a few ideas about what that may look like but again, I need to pass through this state of exhaustion first and discover what else is in here for me.
I’m also writing this because each and every one of my clients this past month has come to me because they’re sick and tired of something; a relationship, a career path, the news, the events behind the news, facism and it’s defenders, neighbors disappearing, you name it.
But more than anything we’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I’ll also say that even though my clients and I often start in that place, we don’t end our sessions there. The other work everyone has been doing this month is connecting to life purpose.
That sounds really big and vague but I’ve been astounded at how simple, powerful, and truly life giving it is to identify life purpose. It’s not so much ‘Invent the cure for cancer and become a world-renowned doctor’ and more like, ‘Give yourself over to immersive curiosity around the miraculous human body.’ Way more fun.
This is where I’ve seen life force and vitality return to the system. This is where I hear people’s voices suddenly light up and I watch their energy begin to flow and illuminate.
This is where the exhaustion is healed and delight in the human experience is renewed.
So if you, like me, find yourself rather tired this week/month/year, let yourself rest in whatever way you can. And then, of course (duh), book a session and let’s figure out what you’re actually supposed to be doing on this planet.
I can’t wait to find out.
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