Today marks 14 years since I first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon, a 12-step group for family and friends of alcholics.
It does not escape my attention that I joined this program on Veteran’s Day which was first known as Armistice Day; the celebration of the ceasefire.
And just for the record, family members who read this; I used to think the issue was you but I’ve long since discovered there’s an expiration date to how long I can blame my past for my problems and that strategy expired well before 2012. In other words, the problem was me.
Honestly I can’t remember why I first went to Al-Anon but it certainly had something to do with an old college girlfriend who wasn’t doing what I thought she should do. Please note for the jury, I had broken up with this college girlfriend FOUR YEARS before I joined Al-Anon.
So trying to control her behavior certainly qualified me as being insane and in need of being restored to sanity as I was encouraged to do in Step Three.
My first few years of meetings were women only and held in a charming fireside church alcove four times a week.
Heavens above, was I spoiled by those meetings or what! Those kind women taught me a lot about the unhappy life I was living that I was vehemently insisting was fine! Just fine! Great actually!!!!! Now leave me alone!
All said while white-knuckling every relationship in my life, trying to act super chill while constantly scanning every interaction in the room and scheming ways to manipulate their behavior so that nothing bad would happen. Why? Because I was so afraid of…everything.
And how do you deal with fear? You try to control your circumstances of course!
I tried to control people, places, things, institutions, events, infrastructures, traffic, people in line at the coffee shop and bus stop, and even whole cities. I tried to control emotions (both mine and others’), experiences, thoughts, and certainly everyone’s behavior except mine of course because I was already perfect.
Most of all I tried to control Spirit, God, and the Divine by trying to make myself into the God of any situation or relationship I was in. Have you ever tried to ‘play God’ in someone else’s life? They hate it. (Also, I am loving italics today. Enjoy!)
All of this arguably comes from growing up in an alcoholic household.
This is the home where the behavior of the alcoholic is wildly, destructively unpredictable so everyone around them tries to control for everything in the environment and prevent a volcanic erruption. In other words, a hotbed for vigilant fear.
Again, please note for the jury this was not exactly my household growing up. I think my parents did an imperfectly fine job of loving, nurturing, and encouraging me. I mostly got to the land of codependent insanity on my own.
And then spent the first 27 years of my life trying to fix everything and everyone around me.
One of the things people hate most is when someone tries to fix them, especially if that someone says they’re trying to help.
Fixing has a very punishing undertone. It says first and foremost, “You’re broken.” Then it follows up with, “And you can’t fix yourself to the extent that I have to do it for you.” Both of these are incredibly invalidating and full of offensive hubris.
And yet, I spent many a relationship with friends and lovers trying to fix the shit out of them. I can tell you with 100% confidence that anyone I ever tried to fix no longer speaks to me to this day.
Eventually, through working the steps of Al-Anon, I moved into the category of actually helping people.
I got there by pausing to ask if this person actually even wanted my interference, which, again, not everyone does. Sometimes a person does actually want help, does need a leg up, does need that door opened.
But often people are enjoying the challenge of figuring something out for themselves. They’re in a process of discovery and learning and they don’t want you to take that away from them, even if they appear to be suffering greatly.
And now, 14 years after making the long journey from white-knuckling God-complex driver to feet-out-the-window-on-a-summer-day passenger (mostly)? It’s all appreciation.
One of the first things we were taught in psychic healing school was never to fix people, just like those women in the fireside room told me. In fact, it’s much better to ask permission and be very sure of the answer before helping anyone and even then do it very gently.
But the thing that actually makes a difference in people’s lives is appreciating them. You would not believe the incredible changes I’ve seen in my clients when I just send them the pure form energy of appreciation. Why does this work so well? I’ll tell you.
It’s because appreciation first and foremost accepts reality as it is. It says not only am I willing to see this situation in it’s true form - to see you in your true form - but I’m also not going to try and change it. In fact, I’m tickled by you and your situation.
“Parade” by Sophie Robin
Appreciation says I’m uplifted and inspired by who you are, how you’ve dealt with things to get yourself here, and especially that you’re willing to share yourself with me.
Appreciation makes space for what is, brings in lots of amusement, and helps people connect with themselves and Spirit.
You know when you’re in a house with a toddler, maybe enjoying lunch with their mom, and the both of you realize that you haven’t heard the kid make a peep in the last 15 minutes? You exchange that knowing look, then go find them covered in mom’s lipstick and decorating the walls with her expensive eye shadow.
They look up at you with those big innocent eyes and i’s so ridiculous that all you can do is laugh and appreciate them and the fact that your walls are now permanently redecorated. The baby laughs, the mom laughs, you laugh, and then you run a bubble bath and get out the sponge.
That’s appreciation. That’s what 14 years of recovering from being a desperate fix-obsessed codependent has brought me to.
May you find some appreciation for yourself today, dear reader. And if you have a family member or friend who seems to be struggling with alcoholism and it’s tearing you up inside, call me. Write me. Let’s go to a meeting and see what Spirit has in store for us once let Her take the wheel on this glorious ride of life.
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