7 Years Sober: Confession, Redemption, and Love
Tomorrow morning will mark 7 years and one day since I drank alcohol; a full karmic cycle of sobriety.
When your sobriety date comes around in the AA tradition you’re invited to say a little about what it was like, what happened, and what things are like now. I used to spend a lot of time talking about what it was like, but honestly it’s just boring drunk stories.
They all kind of went something like: I drank a lot of alcohol, I was obnoxious to the people around me but thought I was being funny and cool, I almost always ate GoodTimes Bambino Burgers on the way home (no regrets there), and then would wake up hungover and confused as to why my BRILLIANT STRATEGY for becoming happier had done just the opposite.
What happened? I got sick and tired of my own bullshit. I don’t think I would have put it that way at the time but looking back that’s exactly what it was. I began to realize that the alcohol-Cindy combo held no surprises anymore and I wanted/desperately needed something new.
So I got sober once for three months in the summer of 2017, then drank again on my birthday for another three months just to make sure I hadn’t missed any fun (I hadn’t) then got sober for good December 5th 2017.
The path of sobriety from then to now has been the most spiritually wonderous experience of my life.
At first sobriety was about just not drinking. But once I got that pattern in place, the whole world opened up. The first order of business - mostly addressed by quitting drinking - was confession.
Now, when I say confession and the image of a priest in a musty little red-curtained booth appears as a shiver runs down your spine, don’t fret. I’m talking about the pure form of confession.
The word ‘confession’ comes from Latin and means something like, "a complete and perfect act indicating a full revelation, acknowledgment, or awareness” ideally of oneself. Why would one confess? As an act of laying oneself bare before the love of God. That’s right, not the punishment of God, as many churches (ahem, Catholics) would have us believe.
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So in my sobriety I began to know, and then confess the truth about myself.
Was that truth something about how horrible I was? Or how pitiful, or miserable, or anxious, or depressed? Was that truth something about my personal pitfalls, shortcomings, lack of character? Was that truth anything to do with the circumstances of my life either created or handed to me?
No, the only truth I uncovered in all my sober searching was that I was needy, in the deepest and truest and best possible sense. I needed other people more than I cared to admit, and I needed God/Spirit more than I could ever know. In my drinking I had depended almost entirely on myself - the American Way! - and had utterly failed.
I needed help! What a freakin’ relief.
From my simple confession of neediness, God moved me into the field of redemption.
Now again, you may imagine redemption has something to do with taking the Good Shepherd Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. In truth, that’s optional and not a requirement for redemption.
Let’s go to the ancient Greek where redemption is apolutrósis which means “to be released from bondage” with an emphasis on the incredible distance between where a person was held captive and where they are now. Namely, in the arms of God and in Heaven on Earth.
So my redemption had nothing to do with becoming a Christian, but rather with how the path of sobriety freed me from a small life where the only option for happiness, connection, power, love, support, groundedness, progress, etc. seemed to be through drinking.
Instead that bondage became a wide open plain with an eternal path full of trustworthy companions, true teachers, face-melting life-saving songs, bone deep satisfaction, a husband who sings harmonies and cooks $100 lasagnas, and a life beyond my wildest dreams.
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So as I reflect on this 7-year karmic cycle of sobriety I find that the thing I was looking for all along is finally mine; real love.
By moving alcohol out of that energetic space in my life where I was longing to be made whole, I have made room for the glue of the great Tao - Love! - to fill me and bind me to all living beings in a universe where everything is alive.
From simple sobriety, through confession, into redemption I find that love is all around me. It sounds cheesy as hell and yet here I am. With an open heart and clear voice I get to say ‘I love you’ to my clients, friends, coworkers, family members, and most of all myself. And actually mean it with no strings attached.
My teacher once said the thing that guides his life is the question “How many more people can I love?” I have taken up that incredible question as a guide for myself and I can see already there is no ceiling or limit there.
So as I begin the next 7 year cycle, I wish all these things for you. May your confession be offered in the loving light of the eternal Spirit who never blames, punishes, shames, or mocks. May your redemption liberate you from everything that keeps you in fear or smallness. And may love find you in every cell of your body, anchoring in the most sacred belonging of all.
In Spirit,
Cindy
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