When People Disappoint Us
Garden of Gethsemene by Rose Datoc Dall
One of my previous specialities was being disappointed in people.
This comes from a combination of being a double Virgo, a first child, a book nerd who knows a lot, and just a regular old human with plenty of judgement. Add into it some (a lot!) of entitlement, a good helping of self-righteousness, and a streak of impatience.
The result? High expectations and frequent disappointments.
It’s taken me years to become aware of all this, let alone address it.
I’ve gone through the 12 steps multiple times for multiple reasons. That’ll kick the ego down a notch if you ever feel like having a wild adventure through humility. Then there are the hours of therapy and months of chaplain residencies, plus over 20 years in the working world which will give you a ton of opportunities to be disappointed in people.
Some disappointments are simple annoyances; a coworker who says he’ll email the client but then you gotta do it for him. Or a friend who’s always late and never brings anything to the potluck.
Some disappointments are so crushing they feel like a soul betrayal.
The best friend from childhood who ghosts you. The company who has security walk you out of the office when they fire you for asking about workplace safety (yes that really happened). The partner who said they’d love you forever and you later discover they had already moved on.
The teachers who don’t follow their own teachings. The spiritual leaders who harm their own congregation. The parents who never did their own healing and end up being parented by their own children.
I’ve had some big disappointments recently, most powerfully from myself.
I’m not going into it yet because some of these are still playing out. But me being me, I went ahead and looked up the root words of ‘disappointment.’
Here’s what Google had to say about the meaning of the word:
14th Century (Literal): The original French root meant "to dispossess of an appointed office" or "to remove from a position".
Late 15th Century (Shift): The meaning shifted to "fail to keep an appointment." Since a missed meeting ruins expectations, the word began transitioning into a broader emotional context.
This begs the question; when I’m disappointed what office have I secretly appointed people to?
And even deeper, what office do I think I hold in my own life?
Naturally the wisdom of AA and Al Anon comes to mind which taught me first and foremost to stop playing God. I also think of the saying, “An expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.”
As any spiritual seeker must eventually admit that all of our troubles are of our own making. As I’ve been processing my big disappointments I’ve been forced to look deep within and see where I appointed someone to a high office for which they were definitely not qualified, or demanded they keep an appointment with me that they were never going to do.
Most surprising was the office to which I appointed myself.
I’ve discovered that I see myself as a kind of superwoman who can accomplish everything on the to-do list with no rest or play, someone who succeeds immediately at everything, and an expert genius who never experiences failure.
Most of all I’ve seen myself as someone who is doing it wrong if I’m overly affected by all the horrors of the world. When I fail at all these things I’m deeply disappointed in myself in a way that I know isn’t based in reality but I still can’t help.
So here’s my commitment to you today.
I’m officially closing all offices of appointment. It may take some time as it’s a rather large organization I’ve built up over the years. And I know my own offices of appointment will be the most difficult to close but it’ll be worth it in the end.
I hope you’ll join me.
NOT TOO LATE TO JOIN! SECOND SESSION IS WEDNESDAY JUNE 10TH - ALL SESSIONS RECORDED
MODULE EIGHT: CHRIST ALREADY NOT YET
The Gospel of John ends not with a church but with a breakfast. Jesus cooking fish on a charcoal fire by the sea, feeding his friends, restoring Peter with the same kindness he used to heal everyone else, and then breathing on his disciples the same breath that moved over the waters in Genesis.
The resurrection in John is an encounter to be received, and every person in these final chapters receives it differently. Mary Magdalene in the garden. Thomas through the wounds. Peter through the question asked three times.
The Gospel ends mid-sentence, which is John's final theological statement: the story is not finished. You are the continuation.
Read about the other Modules on the website page.
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