Holy Grief that Sets Us Free
I’ve been listening to Making Gay History: Coming of Age During the AIDS Crisis and feeling a lot of astonishment, grief, anger, and even joy at the beauty of the human life. The podcast is described like this:
AIDS first made national news 40 years ago. MGH host Eric Marcus was 22 at the time, a gay kid in search of love and a career in New York City. In this six-part audio memoir, Eric explores his memories of the early years of the epidemic and reconnects with people whose lives intersected with his.
The first episode is called Buried Headline which was: “Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals,” (New York Times, July 3, 1981). The whole series has been poignant and powerful and it’s put me in the mood to grieve. In fact, the whole end of 2021 has put me in the mood to grieve.
The holidays were beautiful but also hard for so many people, for so many reasons, always. The stakes feel high; Omicron is approaching by the minute, long-awaited travel was cancelled yet again, and there are still people in cages and camps at so many borders. So yeah, it’s been hard on this planet this year. If this isn’t you, no need to read on. In fact, please keep holding the joy frequency strong for the rest of us. Though of course, as many of you know, joy and grief are very similar frequencies.
As I’ve been listening to this podcast however, I’ve realized that I needed something to grieve that isn’t the thing I’m currently experiencing; the thing we’re all currently experiencing. I won’t go into it because there’s already countless fine articles on the massive and pervasive every-corner-of-your-life “ambiguous loss and grief” that this planet is going through right now.
But for me, I don’t really know yet what’s appropriate to grieve because, like so many others, I don’t know what will be restored to me and what is gone forever. For almost two years I’ve been sitting in a place I like to call “Tolerance for Ambiguity” which my teachers tell me is a sign of maturity. At this point, I don’t even think it’s optional, regardless of whether I’m doing it in a mature way. It’s just what is.
This podcast, however, has reminded me that there is still plenty that needs grieving in our national history and my personal history. In my prayer life I’ve been working on my spiritual relationship with the COVID virus and have a sneaking suspicion that this powerful spirit has actually visited our planet to help us grieve. In fact (here comes the angel reference) I think COVID might have something of the seraphim in her; those fiery, six-winged, eyeball wheels of terror angels who always came to radically change human life yet whose presence necessitated a good solid “Be not afraid!” every time they appeared.
She came to us first as a heart and lung virus, which any healer knows are the places we store our ungrieved grief. And the places we release grief from. I have deep respect for the pain and suffering of all people affected in all ways by COVID…and I discovered I also have a growing gratitude for what this virus has taught me about the importance of grief. “Think you’re done with your grieving?” she says to us. “Think again. You’ve got a backlog so here’s another variant.”
There is so much in my country alone that is ungrieved, that plays itself out in unending pain especially for the black/brown/queer/disabled folks who call this place home with me; many of whose homes I am currently occupying and who’s grief I can’t imagine. The gift of COVID has been to remind us just how connected we are in that ungrieved grief. That even though one group may want to boomerang ahead of the rest on the train of ‘progress’, they will do just that; boomerang out and come back to where they tried to depart from just as hard as they tried to leave. Or to speak plainly, no one is healed until we are all healed. I guess that was another vague metaphor but hey, you’re smart, you get it. Bottom line, grieving is no longer optional.
So this podcast feels important right now. The AIDS crisis and the fear of this mysterious pandemic-like disease hits home for me right now. And yet it’s just far enough removed that I can properly grieve it in a way that I can’t yet grieve COVID.
I hope you take a moment to listen to at least the first episode of this podcast. I hope it touches something in you the way it touched something in me; that compassion part that has become numb over the past few years, or just simply exhausted. And I hope it gives you hope that even though we might not be able to fully grieve what’s happening now as it’s happening, we can still get to some of the backlog and maybe, just maybe, make use of the silver lining gift of this extraordinary pandemic.
Blessings to you in your grief. May it make you holy and joyous and free from every prison of pain. Amen.
The Life of Christ, Altarpiece and final work by Keith Haring (1958-1990) in the AIDS Memorial Chapel in Grace Cathedral, San Franciso
So much of my work is supporting people in our many griefs. I don’t have solutions for grief, but I do have tools you can use while it’s part of your life. These tools, practices, exercises, and prayers that I suggest to my clients are ways for each one of us to metabolize grief - as they say - and to use it’s power and presence to strengthen your own life, brighten your own heart, and clear all obstacles from your own life path.
Whatever your grief, I’d love to work with you. Don’t hesitate to reach out here or book a session below.
