Don’t Make a Feast out of Crumbs

When I was younger, I wasn’t fully conscious of my worth and so I frequently found myself making a feast out of crumbs. Or rather, scraping up crumbs that someone had tossed my way and calling it a feast. I did this mostly in romantic relationships, though also in friendships, my jobs, and even with myself.

I also didn’t really know what I needed or even deserved in relationships. And so I settled for less and convinced myself that I was coming out ahead.

This looked like me being ok with (and even making excuses for!) people not making time for me, not taking the effort to come celebrate me or be part of my life, not making space in their life for me, and generally just not being fully present.

But because these people somehow looked like my idea of romance or friendship, I took the crumbs and tried to make it work.

And the truth is, I also gave people crumbs and told them it was a feast. Though sometimes I forced a feast onto them of my own making and they really just wanted an appetizer.

I may be stretching the metaphor a bit, but what I’m really trying to get at is that I spent a long time settling for less than what I wanted and needed.

(Of course you know I’m going to bring Jesus into this…)

One of the things I love about Christianity - and really any religion worth its salt - is that it’s all about the feast. The first miracle Jesus performs is at a wedding banquet. His most powerful teachings are offered at the dinner table. He makes loaves and fishes appear out of nowhere. His final teaching is arguably that we should break bread together forever and think of gratitude and forgiveness.

There’s not really a point in time when I stopped feasting on crumbs but I do know that today I’m regularly feasting on actual feasts. My spiritual communities are rich and nourishing. My partner literally feeds me lasagna and Moroccan chicken to show his love for me (he’s Italian American, praise be). My friendships are vibrant and loving and full of laughter. My relationship with Spirit and myself is profoundly loving.

Whatever table you find yourself at, may it be a true feast. May it be full of true nourishment, great love, powerful wisdom, and may Spirit host you there eternally.